Subject to Change

… Beer and gay porn.

My boss says I need to blog more.

Does blogging about not blogging count?

I really enjoy fall. The chilly air and the smell of fireplaces make me wish the season could be longer. I always seem to miss the best opportunities for viewing the fall colors, too. It all goes by so fast.

This year, I’ve got a whole new reason to enjoy the season. I just hope he doesn’t mind having the camera in his face all the time!

It’s hard for me to decide which is more annoying, the driver who asks for the passengers’ opinion of his parking space, or the passenger who tells the driver where to park. I’m sure weve all been both and there are times when it’s more acceptable, like when the driver has no idea where he’s going and the passenger is navigating.

What drives me crazy as a driver is when a passenger wants me to spend fifteen minutes searching a full parking lot for the space closest to the door. It’s especially silly when the place we’re going is a mall or amusement park, and were already expecting to lay down some serious shoe leather. I park the car when I see a low probability of finding a better space. There’s no point in driving around, waiting for some idiot to back into you.

As a passenger, it doesn’t demonstrate confidence behind the wheel when the person I’m trusting with my life can’t decide between two adjacent parking spots without my help. Do you seriously mean to tell me that we were zooming along at 85 MPH in heavy traffic, and now you can’t decide where your car will fit? 

When Kelly told me she was pregnant, it took me maybe all of five seconds to decide I was ready to be a father.

It’s hard to say who’s happier about it, though, me or my dad. You should see him when he comes over. The first thing he does is listen to hear if Cole is laughing or crying. Then he’ll bee-line for the baby.

I don’t remember him being so enthusiastic about us three boys. My youngest brother is seven years behind me, and I remember a lot about growing up with him. That’s part of what prepared me for Cole. I was involved, just a little, when my brother was a baby. My mom talked to us about diaper changes, circumcision, and everything else. Most of the memories I have of those years involve my mom. I’m sure that’s because my dad was working during the day. I just don’t remember him playing with my brothers the way he plays with Cole. When Kelly stopped working and taking Cole to visit them every Wednesday, my parents called and my dad and all but begged me to have Kelly bring Cole over anyway. I could tell that he looked forward to spending time with his grandson.

I’ve missed too many opportunities to tell my mom and dad that I think they were good parents. Now, I’ve got to tell them that they’re going to be awesome grandparents.

Thanks, Fred. If you hadn’t emailed me about the judge who overturned a jury verdict against a pedophile, it might have gone in one ear and out the other.

This reminds me of a Christopher Tidus stand-up routine, where he tells the audience that we should bring back crucifixion as a punishment for pedophile priests. At the end of the sketch Tidus says, “if my ideas offend you, all you need to do is give me the pro raping children side of the argument.”

Of course, nobody stands up… Except, maybe this judge.

My dad got me thinking the other day.

He called me to brag about his new scanner/copier/printer. He only paid a few bucks for it, but what he really wanted
to brag about was that he installed it himself. He’d managed to hook it up and scan a few documents. Then, he figured out how to change his default printer back to his HP, because he didn’t want to print from the scanner.

He’s got every right to be proud of himself. Scanners have been around for over a decade, yet in spite of all the plug and play features of Windows XP they’re still a pain to operate. Even if you know what you’re doing a scanner can drive you nuts. I told my dad, “congratulations. If you manage to make any use of the thing, you’re way ahead of the average idiot.”

My parents are probably exceptionally tech-savvy for their generation, which is what made me think about me and my son. Will I have as much trouble understanding his toys in twenty years? What technology could possibly come along that would leave me baffled? I watch plenty of Sci-Fi movies and I was raised by a computer (just kidding, Dad). It’s hard to believe that much could take me by surprise, except for maybe a cell phone/internet browser/MP3 player/movie player/microwave/laser-operated sanitary device thing.

Occasionally, I’ll drink caffeinated milk. It’s usually a sign that my acid reflux has gotten the better of me. And, I’ll admit that this probably does make me less of a man, because a real man drinks coffee black. The blacker the better, and if there’s something floating in it that’s what’s for lunch.

I often find myself disgusted by the wussification of coffee. Being inside a coffee shop, especially Starbucks, usually makes me edgy without drinking a drop. I enjoy the smell of coffee, but I’m something of a purist. There are far too many choices on the menu in a coffee shop. I’d be happy with regular, more regular, and slightly irregular. When you need to get high, free refills are a sign of quality and purity. The first time Kelly sent me out for coffee, she wanted a Caramel Macchiato. I couldn’t help but ask, “Creamy Monkey A**hole?”

Have you heard of a Vente Vanilla Latte? What the heck is a Vente? I’ll bet it tastes like chicken. I’m going to start my own coffee shop. My sizes will be mondo, dingus, and booger. And, your booger latte will come with a coupon for therapy. You’re not a coffee drinker if you’re addicted to filtered milk foam.

… at least nobody tries to label me a liar, shill, or traitor for doing the tasks that are assigned to me. 

ERIE, Pa. – An Erie cancer researcher has found a way to burn salt water, a novel invention that is being touted by one chemist as the “most remarkable” water science discovery in a century. John Kanzius happened upon the discovery accidentally when he tried to desalinate seawater with a radio-frequency generator he developed to treat cancer. He discovered that as long as the salt water was exposed to the radio frequencies, it would burn.

The discovery has scientists excited by the prospect of using salt water, the most abundant resource on earth, as a fuel.

This is just one more reason it’s great to be a man. If I install a few hoses in my salt water fueled car, I’ll never need to make a pit stop on a road trip again!